Restoration, although we don’t always understand how. We can know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus does. Because he says so and his word is true, and he keeps his promises.
I really wrestled with what to share because there has been so many times in my life that the Lord has restored and redeemed and it was hard for me to know which one he desired for my to share. This message is more for me than for you. Being able to put my experiences into words and say them out loud and claim the victory jesus has ALREADY given me, is restoring in itself.
Sexual abuse was a recurring theme in my past. Key word in the past, for so long I used to label who I was by what happened to me. It kept me stuck for a long time. It was truly so crippling to label myself with something so negative. God was calling me to a life of freedom and joy and I wasn’t ready to fully dive into that gift that he gave me.
I always talked about wanting to be free and joyful and not let the abuse rule my life but I didn’t know how. I wanted to say something but I was afraid that I wouldn’t be believed or that what happened to me wouldn’t have been a big enough deal for it to be acknowledged.
The thought of opening up in detail about what happened to me was repulsing, but the lord kept pushing, telling me I was worth being truthful and vulnerable in the midst of something the world seems to deem as unimportant. Again The lord kept pushing and again, I kept refusing. I thought there was no way that I could say what happened to me without completing shattering the bottle that I sealed all of the emotions inside of. And I was right about that, opening up about the sexual abuse completely shattered every ounce of okayness that I felt.
But god,
he totally met me in the midst of the sorrow and grief I felt.
Saying that I had greif from sexual abuse seems like a weird word to describe the emotions I bottled. It wasn’t a word I would have previously used to describe what happened, because I didn’t realize how truly violated I had been. I thought that I was madly in love with him, and my 8 year old self thought the feeling was mutual. Apparently so did my 17 year old self, but hearing him confess to the actions he did made me realize how completely naive I was.
But along with that I felt so validated, I was no longer crazy, and satan was wrong, I didn’t make it up. It did happen and the emotions I felt were reasonable.
The process of confessing to a detective what happened to me was probably the hardest thing I have ever done, and the abuser confessing to the detective that he did it, was even worse. Even though the action I took didn’t go the way I had pictured it happening. It was exactly what I needed and God 100% knew that.
The steps it took me to be able to describe in detail the damage my heart and body had endured, made me rely completely on Jesus. Seeking him deeply and claiming his truth about me.
After doing this I went right back to trying to reseal the shattered bottle that I had previously stuffed my emotions in, so that I could stuff my new and more intense emotions in again. In the meantime while trying to reseal this bottle I just damaged my emotions even more. I was negative and snappy, I was broken and aching. I wanted so bad to be healed but felt as though I was too damaged to be able to be restored.
But God,
He continued DAILY, and I mean DAILY to show up and show himself to me in ways that I shouldn’t have been able to deny, but I did. I turned my face and looked to the pain my heart felt instead of to the joy that Jesus held in his hands that he held open for my to grasp. There were days that I felt his warm embrace and wanted to run in, but I felt I had to fix my mess before enjoying his perfection. But everyday he continued to show me that he desired my mess so that I could be used to give others hope in the midst of devastation. And I continued to choose to try and fix it myself.
A few weeks ago Jesus broke through the caverns of my soul in a miraculous way, showing me who he is and his heart for me. He told me I am his work of art (Ephesians 2:10). That he has made me new and given me a new life full of joy and peace instead of sorrow and despair (2 Corinthians 5:17). That he loves me SO much (Romans 5:8). That he has COMPLETELY forgiven me for trying to fix myself instead of letting him heal me (1 John 1:9) and that he is restoring and will continue to restore my heart for his name sake (psalms 23: 3).
The way he has shown up has completely washed away the desire to live in despair. He has given me peace and joy and a desire to truly live instead of just walking through life alive but not living.
I used to feel like this was out of my reach because all that I have done and what had been done to me. I ran from the truth because I was afraid it wouldn’t be my truth and I couldn’t deal with that rejection. God’s grace, love, and forgiveness is not acts based it’s Jesus based. The fact that Jesus chose us, gives us that option to indulge in his grace, love, and forgiveness, but it is 100% our choice. God is a gentleman and will not force his attributes on us. He will hold them out to us with a look of love and desire for us to desire them deeper.
What amazes me about Jesus is that he will continue to show himself in more ways the more we ask and desire for him to show us. I tend to put Jesus in a box, thinking that he only has a few “tricks” and that once he has revealed himself. He will no longer show himself. But he is INFINITELY more than we can comprehend, he could show himself to us every single day until we get to be with him, but there will still ALWAYS be more. Because he is God and he is so mighty.
You are being restored
You are loved
You are chosen and wanted
You are cherished
And have a father who loves you and wants good for you.
He is unlike the fathers on this planet that desire us to perform perfect, enable their bad behavior, to bail them out of bad decisions they have made.
He does all these thing for us, we can rely fully on him because he is so good and so faithful. And even if he never showed himself to us in tangible ways, he would still be good, because his goodness isn’t based on whether he performs the way we need him to, but because of the good act he did on the cross. He chose us, not out of obligation but out of want. He made us pure, and cleanses us daily. His mercies are new every morning (lamentations 3:22-23).
It’s up to use to make the decision to allow him to radically change our hearts and let him hold us the way he has desired since we were born.
He really loves us, and I’m in awe that he hasn’t walked away from me despite how many times I have turned away and tried to live my life the way I see fit instead of the way he calls me to. But.. he loves me regardless. And he loves you regardless too
