It's not going to be bad, just different, and that's okay

Divorce is a hard thing and tears up everyone in the midst of it. It changes the look of families and makes people ask hard question, to which others have to give hard answers. It is not a clean, cut and dry thing. It destroys hearts, and complicates life, even if it was necessary.
but finding joy in it IS necessary,
not staying in the cycle of what if's IS necessary,
the but God- IS necessary
Allowing God to grow me through this is challenging, but I know it is oh so worth it. The grief of a family is hard, even if it was just of a family that I wished could have happened.

But God
I know he is showing up in the moments when it hurts and I wished life could have been different. I know he is here when I want to fix the brokenness this has caused, but knowing that I am unable.
-again, but God is capable, and the pain will not go to waste, because he is a good and faithful God. I write this as tears stream down my face because I cannot see how the flip side of this will look, but I know he won't leave me and my mom where we are at. He comes down into our darkness with us and sits with us. Not expecting us to fix it, or wipe the tears away and pretend everything is fine. He sits there and loves us through it, like only he is capable of doing. He is filling us with peace and comfort knowing that he isn't leaving or giving up on us because of our tears, he is reminding us that it's not going to be bad, just different, and that, that's okay. He is giving us people to love on us and invite us to be part of their table during this holiday time.

The holiday season is a time of year that I usually look forward to, family gathers, friends laugh, and memories are made. Everyone comes together, puts differences aside and welcome the embrace of their loved ones. It's a joyous time and one that I have cherished for as long as I can remember.
Entering into this season with a family that looks a little different than it has in past years is making it kind of difficult to get excited about this time of year. This year isn't going to be bad, its just going to be different and that's okay, this is something that the Lord is teaching me in the time that I come to him questioning why everything has to change and be different.

The table at my Christmas dinner is going to be two seats empty this year, although this is something that I have thought about a lot and has made me think back to simpler times, its not going to be bad, just different, and that's okay. Through constantly having to look to the Lord instead of looking at the messiness of life and looking at other families in comparison to mine, he has shown up over and over and shown me how welcomed and embraced I am at his perfect and full table. A table where I don't have to constantly keep it together and always have a smile on my face. A table where my imperfections are embraced and encouraged and loved despite of. His table is lovely and he wants me to join him there. He isn't obligated to show up, he wants to, he has chosen me, and delights in me. He calls me his daughter and loves me perfectly with no expectations or returns.

This Christmas is going to be minimal and intimate, lots of Christmas movies, laughter, and tears, and some good hot cocoa. I'm excited for this Christmas and the time I get to cherish with my mom. This Christmas is not going to be bad, just different and I AM okay with that.

Release yourself

Watching someone I care about struggle deeply and being absolutely incapable of making anything better has really dug a hole deep in my heart. The pain of this life is surreal and I am overwhelmed at how helpless I am in the midst of it. I have always expected myself to be someone who is there for others around me and takes care of them, but the season of life I am in now has made it almost impossible to do that. The Lord has my soul wide open in the palms of my hands and he is taking my step by step through the struggles and ugliness that has made me who I am, although this is an amazing thing and I am so amazed at how perfect the Lords plan and timing is. I am also torn up at how hard it is for me to get vulnerable with people in fear of not being able to keep it together the whole conversation and then making it about me. The Lord has been so patient in this process of bringing me to my knees in surrender to him, I have tried so hard to stitch my soul back up and say never mind to walking through the struggles I hide in the darkness. Every time I try the Lord shows me just why I started this in the first place- to experience freedom. I am so tired of staying in the dark and hiding from the light of God because of how dirty the enemy has told me I WAS. I am child of God and he looks at me and calls me his beloved. He doesn't see me through the lenses that I see myself. He sees me through the blood of his son Jesus, he washed my white as snow and cleanses me over and over.
The Lord doesn't need me to fix them, or make everything in my life better, He just wants me to show up and walk with him through highs and lows of life. He wants me to show up an love those around me as he loved me. And forgive those around me as He has forgiven me. The world is a hard place for everyone in it. The world is a messy and broken place that cuts everyone who is just trying to make it through life.
Yes, I am incapable to fix people, but God is not and he doesn't expect me to be able to. He knows we are human who have limits and will fall short every time- but he doesn't think less of us. I have to keep letting myself of the hook and stop expecting myself to play Jesus in the lives of those around me. I am not in control of others emotions or how they will respond to events happening around us, although I wish could be- But I am in control of how Christ-like I am to those around me and showing them just how worthy they are no matter what others in their lives have told them, or how they see themselves.
The lord is pealing away every lens Satan has placed in front of my eyes that has made me feel like I was on a different level then those around me. Making me feel like I have no place in trying to encourage others. He is replacing every lie that Satan has used to create this lens, with how he sees me. I'm finally able to see who I am in the Lord and that I am truly a precious daughter of the king. it isn't just something that others say. It makes me so excited to see how the lord is going to use my story to impact others in ways I couldn't even imagine.

Desperation

The moment I realized just how deeply I needed Jesus is the moment that he truly broke through the caverns of my soul.

I have been searching and searching for any vice to numb the pain I feel inside- It ended up just leading me down a road that destroyed my hope in myself and God, and made me question if Gods love was something that a person like me was able to take part in, and wonder if he truly had a purpose for me.
I searched to find the love of God that my heart desired through friendships that were unhealthy,
I had unreasonable and unhealthy expectations of people to be all that I needed them to be so that I felt complete, but it never filled me because they are human just like me.
I became infatuated with wanting to get the attention of any guy who showed even the slightest interest in me,

This all ended up taking me down a road that created crippling anxiety and depression that should have killed me if I were to listen to the voices that the world spoke in my ears, or gave into the enemy trying to rip apart my dreams because of decisions I made.

but Gods truth was louder

A few days ago I was sitting in a quiet room at my school because I had some stuff going on in my mind that I couldn't make quiet. As I was sitting there I had two options in front of me. I could let what was happening in my mind overtake me and go into a whirlwind of self pity, which is the road of have taken for far too long, or I could choose Jesus and let him be the water that fills my cup and let his perfect peace overtake me. As I'm writing this I am astounded at the reality of how hard this decision was for me to make. I sat in that room and struggled with the thoughts that were trying to swallow me. There was a fight going on for my soul that day, because that was the day I realized how deeply my soul needed Jesus. That day, I chose Jesus, and he showed up. I opened my bible to psalms 23 and sat in His presence. I read this chapter over and over, every time I read it my heart was filled with joy and my mind stilled with his perfect peace. In that moment I felt him walking me beside still waters just like David described. I read it again and again and the Lord gave me a new truth every time. The beginning of verse three says "He restores my soul" (ESV) This reality shook the house that encompassed every lie the enemy had implanted that made me think I was out of Gods reach. This moment made my heart ache at just how deeply rooted this lie was. I sat and thought about why I had let Satan dig this lie so deep and how I was going to get it out. I was so angry at myself for turning to the other vices I had used to try and silence the lies that the enemy used to make me feel utterly horrible. but God reminded me to "Be still and know that I (He) is God" Proverbs 46:10a

I'm in the process of the lord restoring my soul, this process is one that will never be fully complete until I get to be with him, but I'm excited for all the revelations he is going to show me in the process.