It's not going to be bad, just different, and that's okay

Divorce is a hard thing and tears up everyone in the midst of it. It changes the look of families and makes people ask hard question, to which others have to give hard answers. It is not a clean, cut and dry thing. It destroys hearts, and complicates life, even if it was necessary.
but finding joy in it IS necessary,
not staying in the cycle of what if's IS necessary,
the but God- IS necessary
Allowing God to grow me through this is challenging, but I know it is oh so worth it. The grief of a family is hard, even if it was just of a family that I wished could have happened.

But God
I know he is showing up in the moments when it hurts and I wished life could have been different. I know he is here when I want to fix the brokenness this has caused, but knowing that I am unable.
-again, but God is capable, and the pain will not go to waste, because he is a good and faithful God. I write this as tears stream down my face because I cannot see how the flip side of this will look, but I know he won't leave me and my mom where we are at. He comes down into our darkness with us and sits with us. Not expecting us to fix it, or wipe the tears away and pretend everything is fine. He sits there and loves us through it, like only he is capable of doing. He is filling us with peace and comfort knowing that he isn't leaving or giving up on us because of our tears, he is reminding us that it's not going to be bad, just different, and that, that's okay. He is giving us people to love on us and invite us to be part of their table during this holiday time.

The holiday season is a time of year that I usually look forward to, family gathers, friends laugh, and memories are made. Everyone comes together, puts differences aside and welcome the embrace of their loved ones. It's a joyous time and one that I have cherished for as long as I can remember.
Entering into this season with a family that looks a little different than it has in past years is making it kind of difficult to get excited about this time of year. This year isn't going to be bad, its just going to be different and that's okay, this is something that the Lord is teaching me in the time that I come to him questioning why everything has to change and be different.

The table at my Christmas dinner is going to be two seats empty this year, although this is something that I have thought about a lot and has made me think back to simpler times, its not going to be bad, just different, and that's okay. Through constantly having to look to the Lord instead of looking at the messiness of life and looking at other families in comparison to mine, he has shown up over and over and shown me how welcomed and embraced I am at his perfect and full table. A table where I don't have to constantly keep it together and always have a smile on my face. A table where my imperfections are embraced and encouraged and loved despite of. His table is lovely and he wants me to join him there. He isn't obligated to show up, he wants to, he has chosen me, and delights in me. He calls me his daughter and loves me perfectly with no expectations or returns.

This Christmas is going to be minimal and intimate, lots of Christmas movies, laughter, and tears, and some good hot cocoa. I'm excited for this Christmas and the time I get to cherish with my mom. This Christmas is not going to be bad, just different and I AM okay with that.