Desperation

The moment I realized just how deeply I needed Jesus is the moment that he truly broke through the caverns of my soul.

I have been searching and searching for any vice to numb the pain I feel inside- It ended up just leading me down a road that destroyed my hope in myself and God, and made me question if Gods love was something that a person like me was able to take part in, and wonder if he truly had a purpose for me.
I searched to find the love of God that my heart desired through friendships that were unhealthy,
I had unreasonable and unhealthy expectations of people to be all that I needed them to be so that I felt complete, but it never filled me because they are human just like me.
I became infatuated with wanting to get the attention of any guy who showed even the slightest interest in me,

This all ended up taking me down a road that created crippling anxiety and depression that should have killed me if I were to listen to the voices that the world spoke in my ears, or gave into the enemy trying to rip apart my dreams because of decisions I made.

but Gods truth was louder

A few days ago I was sitting in a quiet room at my school because I had some stuff going on in my mind that I couldn't make quiet. As I was sitting there I had two options in front of me. I could let what was happening in my mind overtake me and go into a whirlwind of self pity, which is the road of have taken for far too long, or I could choose Jesus and let him be the water that fills my cup and let his perfect peace overtake me. As I'm writing this I am astounded at the reality of how hard this decision was for me to make. I sat in that room and struggled with the thoughts that were trying to swallow me. There was a fight going on for my soul that day, because that was the day I realized how deeply my soul needed Jesus. That day, I chose Jesus, and he showed up. I opened my bible to psalms 23 and sat in His presence. I read this chapter over and over, every time I read it my heart was filled with joy and my mind stilled with his perfect peace. In that moment I felt him walking me beside still waters just like David described. I read it again and again and the Lord gave me a new truth every time. The beginning of verse three says "He restores my soul" (ESV) This reality shook the house that encompassed every lie the enemy had implanted that made me think I was out of Gods reach. This moment made my heart ache at just how deeply rooted this lie was. I sat and thought about why I had let Satan dig this lie so deep and how I was going to get it out. I was so angry at myself for turning to the other vices I had used to try and silence the lies that the enemy used to make me feel utterly horrible. but God reminded me to "Be still and know that I (He) is God" Proverbs 46:10a

I'm in the process of the lord restoring my soul, this process is one that will never be fully complete until I get to be with him, but I'm excited for all the revelations he is going to show me in the process.