Grief, Guilt and Grace

When walking through grief there is often guilt that is tied to it. What could I have done, why couldn't it have been me - Grief is a challenging walk, and it never really ends. The waves of panic and over whelming grief will get farther and farther apart, but will still be there and be a part of your life. The guilt will start to change and morph into into something else, but it will still always be there. 

On Nov 22, 2019 when I went into the hospital my sweet friend took me in, she saved my life by her obedience to Christ. I would not be here if it wasn't for her. She walked that very close road of death with me in on hand and Jesus on the other, fully reliant on him to carry both of us in his will. and he did. They saved me. 

After getting out of the hospital and going to the recovery family I lived at she still continued to remind me that we are not going back to that day. We are waking forward pressing into Jesus because he is good and he has a plan...

5 months later her son died in a tragic tragic way that could never be replicated even if people tried. After saving my life, HER son died. When I talk about guilt being tied to grief, this is what I mean. What if it would have been me, would he not have died? Would she still be a mom to 3 sweet boys instead of having to grieve and relive that loss everyday? I don't know. we don't know. I don't understand why he kept me alive and not her 14 year old son, I don't know why his time was finished and mine wasn't. What I do know is that Jesus has a plan in all of this, even when it breaks me heart day after day and even more so breaks hers. I KNOW that HE is still good and he is still God, seated on the throne but also with us in the muck and mire. He is holding her hand as she walks through this just as she was holding my hand as I walked the hard road I was on. 

Paul asked the Lord three times to remove the thorn from his side. We do not know what his thorn was but we know it was something he desperately wanted removed. In this verse we can insert our thorn in; grief, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, abuse, whatever the thing is we have been asking and asking for the Lord to remove. Over and over we ask because it hurts us, and makes our walk harder. The Lord answered him and me in a way that is beautiful and humbling. He says "MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (Emphasis added). When we have to walk every step reliant on the Lord because we are completely unable to walk the road by ourselves that is when His power shines through us. When we continue to get up and pursue Jesus even when the world deems us "finished" his strength is PERFECTED in our weakness. There his grace is sufficient. His answer to our begging may be, no or not right now. With those answers we can know that his grace is sufficient and he wants us to rely on him because his power IS enough. 

He is enough for whatever you are walking through today, I am sorry this road is hard. I am sorry that your heart hurts. I love you and so does Jesus. His grace is sufficient for you, it wont take the pain away but he will be your crutch, I promise. I love you.

365 days

 A year ago I was fighting for my life, sitting in a hospital bed wishing I was dead. 5 days of sitting and wondering how my life had gotten to this point. Sadness and anger swallowed my body, clouded my vision, and stole my hope. I sat and stared in disbelief at what had happened, stared at the wounds on my arms and cried at the bigger ones in my heart. Every morning I would get asked how I felt, and it was always the same "like I want to die" the first morning I woke up there the nurse gave me an amount that was too high of the wrong medication and it sent me into an overdose. I felt like my organs were shutting down and I was dying, I felt relief, I didn't have to fight any more. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, I was in shock that Jesus didn't let me die, I questioned him and I begged him to let me. On the other side of this experience, I am so thankful he didn't I want to live, I love my life and the people that Jesus has filled it with. While I was in that moment I was so angry and it just filled me with more resentment and sadness. 

The difference that this past year has created in me is astounding, Jesus really got ahold of me, picked me up from the bed I laid on and said lets walk forward. Not ignoring the pain I had endured but holding my heart and body as I healed. Giving me a safe place to feel, weep and grow. 

I now fight for my life in a different way, I fight to live it to the fullest because of how close I was to no longer living. I fight to live in the joy and the hope the Lord has promised. Don't get me wrong, there are still challenges and I do not always live in the joy that I am promised. On the days that are harder than others I cling to the verse in James that says; "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4. It produces something we have to have joy in it, we have to hope in it. 

My pastor said something this weekend that was an incredible insight. "When you look at a plant that produces something, I doesn't have to work at producing it, it just happens. When we face trials it PRODUCES steadfastness. It is an outcome that is almost guaranteed when we experience trials WITH JOY" 

There is a responsibility we have in producing steadfastness, and that is having joy in the midst of trials. 

Now, if you are in a boat that is similar to where I was a year ago, I want to say something to you and your heart. I see you, you are not crazy. You are not wrong for the thoughts you are having, it is how your heart is coping with the pain you are experiencing. With me saying that, please please I am begging you don't choose that. I was there, I felt that over whelming and excruciating pain BUT there is hope, there will be a time you get to the other side of it and see the lord holding you through it. I am here to remind you that you have a purpose here. The Lord is NOT finished with you. You have a reason you are still here. I hear your heart sweet friend, I know it hurts, let me hold the hope for a better season for you. Grab onto someone and allow them to walk the road of pain with you. We are not meant to walk alone. The lord was a PERFECT being but he still had his friends that walk that painful road with him. Allow someone in, even if its just one person, you are worth it. 

We have a hope in Christ, we are going to encounter thing that will make us question if he is there, let me promise you that he is, holding our heart and reminding us that he has a plan, encouraging us to walk forward in trust EVEN when we don't understand, because we won't. 

I love you, Jesus loves you and I am proud of you for continuing to take the next step even when it hurts.