365 days

 A year ago I was fighting for my life, sitting in a hospital bed wishing I was dead. 5 days of sitting and wondering how my life had gotten to this point. Sadness and anger swallowed my body, clouded my vision, and stole my hope. I sat and stared in disbelief at what had happened, stared at the wounds on my arms and cried at the bigger ones in my heart. Every morning I would get asked how I felt, and it was always the same "like I want to die" the first morning I woke up there the nurse gave me an amount that was too high of the wrong medication and it sent me into an overdose. I felt like my organs were shutting down and I was dying, I felt relief, I didn't have to fight any more. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, I was in shock that Jesus didn't let me die, I questioned him and I begged him to let me. On the other side of this experience, I am so thankful he didn't I want to live, I love my life and the people that Jesus has filled it with. While I was in that moment I was so angry and it just filled me with more resentment and sadness. 

The difference that this past year has created in me is astounding, Jesus really got ahold of me, picked me up from the bed I laid on and said lets walk forward. Not ignoring the pain I had endured but holding my heart and body as I healed. Giving me a safe place to feel, weep and grow. 

I now fight for my life in a different way, I fight to live it to the fullest because of how close I was to no longer living. I fight to live in the joy and the hope the Lord has promised. Don't get me wrong, there are still challenges and I do not always live in the joy that I am promised. On the days that are harder than others I cling to the verse in James that says; "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4. It produces something we have to have joy in it, we have to hope in it. 

My pastor said something this weekend that was an incredible insight. "When you look at a plant that produces something, I doesn't have to work at producing it, it just happens. When we face trials it PRODUCES steadfastness. It is an outcome that is almost guaranteed when we experience trials WITH JOY" 

There is a responsibility we have in producing steadfastness, and that is having joy in the midst of trials. 

Now, if you are in a boat that is similar to where I was a year ago, I want to say something to you and your heart. I see you, you are not crazy. You are not wrong for the thoughts you are having, it is how your heart is coping with the pain you are experiencing. With me saying that, please please I am begging you don't choose that. I was there, I felt that over whelming and excruciating pain BUT there is hope, there will be a time you get to the other side of it and see the lord holding you through it. I am here to remind you that you have a purpose here. The Lord is NOT finished with you. You have a reason you are still here. I hear your heart sweet friend, I know it hurts, let me hold the hope for a better season for you. Grab onto someone and allow them to walk the road of pain with you. We are not meant to walk alone. The lord was a PERFECT being but he still had his friends that walk that painful road with him. Allow someone in, even if its just one person, you are worth it. 

We have a hope in Christ, we are going to encounter thing that will make us question if he is there, let me promise you that he is, holding our heart and reminding us that he has a plan, encouraging us to walk forward in trust EVEN when we don't understand, because we won't. 

I love you, Jesus loves you and I am proud of you for continuing to take the next step even when it hurts.