Heaven and Earth Colliding

 With each moment passing so quickly, I found myself thinking about the next.

Preparing myself for the next overwhelming feeling

It surges my body,

Takes control of ever every thought

Every functioning part of my body

It floods in

With no regard of where I stand, sit, or lay down

With no remorse it floods in

I can feel her dropping lower and lower

Preparing to embrace me and the beauty of the world

I grip onto anything close enough

My body tries to escape the feeling

Its unlike anything I’ve ever felt before

It’s painful

But yet its beautiful at the same time

Its both things at once

What a reality of life

 

Deep breath

In

Out

And repeat

This isn’t forever

This is a blip it in the timeline of her life

And of mine

There is a purpose with every surge that comes

Her

She is the purpose

 

I can feel the strength buried deep inside of me arise when I know

Its me standing in between heaven and earth colliding

With a grit that was buried deep inside

Waiting for this very moment

I push

With everything I have

I push

Again

And again

The feeling of her dropping is surreal

I can feel every movement

Every moment I am right there

Focused on her

The realness of the fact that I have someone

Someone so special to Lord and to me

That is about to enter the world

Whether I think I’m ready or not

The reality is I am

And here she comes…

 

As she enters into this world I can feel the colliding of both worlds,

Heaven and earth met in that moment, and I was a part of that

I could feel his presence unlike anything I’ve ever felt before

He met us both there

He trusted me to nurture her,

To keep her safe

To point her to Christ

I was part of something big

Something so much bigger than giving birth

I was part of the Lord’s plan

Bring Azalea into this world through me

His plans for her started the moment she was conceived

I just got the privilege of bringing her into this world to bring it to fruition

 

So now

I soak her in

I rest in the fact that the Lord chose us for her

It was like I was reunited with someone I missed more than anything

but had never met in my life

A part of my heart was made whole that day

Holding Jesus’s beautiful creation on my chest

That I get the honor of raising

Wow

What a privilege it is to love her

 pitter, patter

the rain is back and its drenching the house 

pouring off the house beams 

the sound is one of my favorites

soothing

the sky is releasing the built up tension from the clouds

Like tears from a heart that is heavy

Cleansing

Purifying 

It nurtures the soil of your soul

Producing a ground flowers can bloom on

Content as I sit here 

Watching the rain pour

Allow the tears to heal

As the ground heals outside 

Silence

 silence is where we find the most clarity

yet silence is daunting

almost haunting

the thoughts swirl

the patterns repeat

same noises over and over

yet silence is where the Lord wants us. 

Its in the silence that he speaks to our hearts

its when we press in that he enters in

he is gentle 

he will not barge in

he allows us the free will to sit and let him enter in

and when he we do

he comes in with hope and peace

hope for a future that is better than we could have ever imagined it would be

and peace that surpasses all understanding

first we must get past the hurting that comes in the beginning of the silence

the thoughts that spiral and cloud our vision 

so that

we may experience what he has promised 

joy

hope

peace

wisdom

silence

in reality is the most beautiful place we could allow ourselves to be 

sun

 The sun is making its way through the clouds

to shine onto the ground and produce life from the rain

its weaning away the heavy clouds and shining bright

lighting up the sky and making way for hope

though you may weep for the night

joy comes in the morning

the sky is no longer a gloomy shade of grey 

it is a vibrant light opaque

the sun is bursting through in some areas 

but in some its still dark

what a relation to the areas in our heart

some we allow him room for him to enter in and others we hide in fear of the pain

the second we let the light in there is hope

there is freedom

but there is also pain

with love and light comes pain

is this bargain one that keeps us from freedom

yes

is this bargain sometimes to much to carry 

yes

his hope comes bursting through and sometime our darkness aches at the pain of the light

darkness becomes comfortable 

safe

we feel there is no reason to cause extra pain to a wound that already hurts

but joy comes in the morning 

Rain

 the rain lingers

pouring off the house beams 

drenching the ground from the sky

the sky is no longer blue

it is a cream color shade of grey

dimming the light the sun produces

peering through my window all I see is wet

the ground, the roof

the house beams all the way down the road

the tops of the fences are soaking and seeping its way to the bottom

coursing through the seams of the fence

its beautiful

all of us our experiencing rain

its the one thing we all experience the same

rain, sun

we all experience it

some like one more than the other but none of us have the power to control it

my coffee is steaming while I sit and listen to the rain

its calming

secure

pondering what others are thinking as the rain pours from the sky

are you happy?

what do you feel

there is going to be a change

the scars from the fire will start to fade

as green pastures come back and the ground begins to grow

we will all still  carry the weight and pain from that week

but the rain will produce growth

filling the scars and giving hope

the rain is clear yet it has the healing property of something that should be so colorful

so beautiful

yet it is beautiful

clear

dainty

simple

It pours out of the sky with no regard of what is happening

Its simply elegant

Grief, Guilt and Grace

When walking through grief there is often guilt that is tied to it. What could I have done, why couldn't it have been me - Grief is a challenging walk, and it never really ends. The waves of panic and over whelming grief will get farther and farther apart, but will still be there and be a part of your life. The guilt will start to change and morph into into something else, but it will still always be there. 

On Nov 22, 2019 when I went into the hospital my sweet friend took me in, she saved my life by her obedience to Christ. I would not be here if it wasn't for her. She walked that very close road of death with me in on hand and Jesus on the other, fully reliant on him to carry both of us in his will. and he did. They saved me. 

After getting out of the hospital and going to the recovery family I lived at she still continued to remind me that we are not going back to that day. We are waking forward pressing into Jesus because he is good and he has a plan...

5 months later her son died in a tragic tragic way that could never be replicated even if people tried. After saving my life, HER son died. When I talk about guilt being tied to grief, this is what I mean. What if it would have been me, would he not have died? Would she still be a mom to 3 sweet boys instead of having to grieve and relive that loss everyday? I don't know. we don't know. I don't understand why he kept me alive and not her 14 year old son, I don't know why his time was finished and mine wasn't. What I do know is that Jesus has a plan in all of this, even when it breaks me heart day after day and even more so breaks hers. I KNOW that HE is still good and he is still God, seated on the throne but also with us in the muck and mire. He is holding her hand as she walks through this just as she was holding my hand as I walked the hard road I was on. 

Paul asked the Lord three times to remove the thorn from his side. We do not know what his thorn was but we know it was something he desperately wanted removed. In this verse we can insert our thorn in; grief, guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, abuse, whatever the thing is we have been asking and asking for the Lord to remove. Over and over we ask because it hurts us, and makes our walk harder. The Lord answered him and me in a way that is beautiful and humbling. He says "MY grace is sufficient for you, for MY power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Corinthians 12:9 (Emphasis added). When we have to walk every step reliant on the Lord because we are completely unable to walk the road by ourselves that is when His power shines through us. When we continue to get up and pursue Jesus even when the world deems us "finished" his strength is PERFECTED in our weakness. There his grace is sufficient. His answer to our begging may be, no or not right now. With those answers we can know that his grace is sufficient and he wants us to rely on him because his power IS enough. 

He is enough for whatever you are walking through today, I am sorry this road is hard. I am sorry that your heart hurts. I love you and so does Jesus. His grace is sufficient for you, it wont take the pain away but he will be your crutch, I promise. I love you.

365 days

 A year ago I was fighting for my life, sitting in a hospital bed wishing I was dead. 5 days of sitting and wondering how my life had gotten to this point. Sadness and anger swallowed my body, clouded my vision, and stole my hope. I sat and stared in disbelief at what had happened, stared at the wounds on my arms and cried at the bigger ones in my heart. Every morning I would get asked how I felt, and it was always the same "like I want to die" the first morning I woke up there the nurse gave me an amount that was too high of the wrong medication and it sent me into an overdose. I felt like my organs were shutting down and I was dying, I felt relief, I didn't have to fight any more. I fell asleep and woke up the next morning, I was in shock that Jesus didn't let me die, I questioned him and I begged him to let me. On the other side of this experience, I am so thankful he didn't I want to live, I love my life and the people that Jesus has filled it with. While I was in that moment I was so angry and it just filled me with more resentment and sadness. 

The difference that this past year has created in me is astounding, Jesus really got ahold of me, picked me up from the bed I laid on and said lets walk forward. Not ignoring the pain I had endured but holding my heart and body as I healed. Giving me a safe place to feel, weep and grow. 

I now fight for my life in a different way, I fight to live it to the fullest because of how close I was to no longer living. I fight to live in the joy and the hope the Lord has promised. Don't get me wrong, there are still challenges and I do not always live in the joy that I am promised. On the days that are harder than others I cling to the verse in James that says; "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4. It produces something we have to have joy in it, we have to hope in it. 

My pastor said something this weekend that was an incredible insight. "When you look at a plant that produces something, I doesn't have to work at producing it, it just happens. When we face trials it PRODUCES steadfastness. It is an outcome that is almost guaranteed when we experience trials WITH JOY" 

There is a responsibility we have in producing steadfastness, and that is having joy in the midst of trials. 

Now, if you are in a boat that is similar to where I was a year ago, I want to say something to you and your heart. I see you, you are not crazy. You are not wrong for the thoughts you are having, it is how your heart is coping with the pain you are experiencing. With me saying that, please please I am begging you don't choose that. I was there, I felt that over whelming and excruciating pain BUT there is hope, there will be a time you get to the other side of it and see the lord holding you through it. I am here to remind you that you have a purpose here. The Lord is NOT finished with you. You have a reason you are still here. I hear your heart sweet friend, I know it hurts, let me hold the hope for a better season for you. Grab onto someone and allow them to walk the road of pain with you. We are not meant to walk alone. The lord was a PERFECT being but he still had his friends that walk that painful road with him. Allow someone in, even if its just one person, you are worth it. 

We have a hope in Christ, we are going to encounter thing that will make us question if he is there, let me promise you that he is, holding our heart and reminding us that he has a plan, encouraging us to walk forward in trust EVEN when we don't understand, because we won't. 

I love you, Jesus loves you and I am proud of you for continuing to take the next step even when it hurts.